My Crazy Pregnancy/Missed Miscarriage/Survival Story

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[Puede leer en español después del inglés]

I suspected that I was pregnant just days after conception even though we were not planning on having another baby right now. I had all the early symptoms and I just felt pregnant. I got a positive pregnancy test 10 days after my missed period and eagerly shared the news with my husband.

We told my parents a few weeks later and started making plans and changes. Moya needed a better job with benefits. He needed to go home to see his family in Nicaragua before he started a new job. We thought about the things we needed that were not saved from when we had Aliana. We were planning, imagining a future with another beautiful child in it. Aliana would be a wonderful big sister. She would be just two months away from turning three when the the baby would be born. The baby was due on April 10th, 2014. Aliana would want to hold the baby as soon as possible. It would be perfect. It would be hard, but it would be wonderful and so worth it.

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The first few weeks were relatively easy. I was dizzy when I was in hot places. I was throwing up once a day or less. I was happy. I was excited. My husband was amazing. He gave me massages. He helped me with whatever I needed. He listened to my concerns and my ideas. He went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and felt okay. We were living in a dream. It was wonderful.

The last couple of weeks were harder. I started throwing up everything that I ate. It seemed impossible to keep anything down. I was dizzy all the time and extremely tired. I was uncomfortable and I felt a lot of pressure in my uterus. I was miserable (but nothing even close to as sick as I was with my first child) but hoping that the symptoms would let up as the second trimester approached. Everything seemed perfectly normal. I was pregnant after all.

When I went to see my doctor I was 9 weeks pregnant on September 4th. I commented on the way to the doctor’s office, “Just another month until we tell everyone I am pregnant.” I saw my doctor and everything appeared normal, until she did the ultrasound. I knew something was wrong as soon as she asked if I had been hurting. We found out that the baby never developed past the first week. I felt like my body had betrayed me as most pregnancies that are lost this early are expelled around the time of your period and you never even find out you are pregnant. I wished that was the case with me. Loving and planning for a baby for two months only to find out that it was hardly even there to begin with is devastating. From the moment that I confirmed I was pregnant, the baby was already gone. (Obviously I didn’t know that.) There were no miscarriage symptoms. No cramps. No blood. No pain. It was a shock.

My doctor sent me to get my blood drawn to find out if my HCG levels were decreasing with instructions to come back on Friday for more blood tests. She said she would let me know on Monday for sure. The most likely case is that I had miscarried and had yet to expel the baby from my body. She said it was also a small possibility that I had miscounted and the baby was only 1 week old. I knew I hadn’t miscalculated. I keep records of when my period comes and I also had records of when I got the positive pregnancy tests. I know that my husband and I had had sex about a week and a half before the ultrasound, and though it was extremely unlikely, it kept me hoping just the tiniest bit against all odds that maybe that was when the baby was conceived.

From Wednesday to Monday seemed to last eternity as we waited to find out. I cried a lot. My husband, already having a ticket to Nicaragua, with tears in his eyes kissed the baby goodbye, possibly for the last time, and went to see his family. I know he needed to go see his family before he started his new job, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to see him go. The realities of facing a miscarriage alone filled me with dread. 

I never realized that when you have a miscarriage that you still feel pregnancy symptoms even though the precious baby is no longer living. I could not have ever imagined the sorrow—it felt like I lost a piece of myself.

I wrote this shortly after I found out,

“Through it all, I admit that even though I am hurting I still choose to trust God. I know that He has a plan for me better than I could ever imagine. I think back in the lowest, most painful moments of my life and see how God has used those things to make me a stronger, more loving, compassionate individual. He used my pain to help others and I have no doubt that He will do the same with this situation. He is helping me grow, learn and experience more things. He is teaching me to trust Him in all things, including the painful ones. He is still here with me loving me. I don’t doubt Him. I know that He is here with me in this dark place. I know that He loves me. I know that He loves the baby. I know that God has a plan and I have faith in Him and His plan even though I do not see it, even if I never see it. I continue to place my life in His hands and trust.”

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This is a picture of a maternity shirt that I ordered when I found out I was pregnant.

Monday came and went with no news. I waited anxiously for my appointment on Wednesday. Part of me was convinced I was having the miscarriage already. I was so stressed just waiting alone for the unthinkable to happen. We decided on a name. I was going to order a memorial necklace for myself, but decided to wait until it was “official”. We just waited trusting in God and His timing and praying that God would heal our broken hearts.

Today I went to the doctor. My doctor was running behind so I sat in the room alone and waited and waited. When she finally came in about an hour later she said she wanted to do one more ultrasound just to make sure because she likes to double check everything. She said things change and mistakes can be made. I agreed and got undressed. We were astounded by what we saw. This time, instead of just seeing the sac, we saw the baby. We saw a heartbeat. I saw it beating. The emotions that ran through me were of love, hope, and terror all at the same time. I have a baby again. The baby is measuring 7 weeks and 3 or 4 days which is about 2 and half weeks off what we originally thought. It doesn’t match up with any of my dates, so we shall see what happens. She said I have a very tilted uterus which could effect the way that we saw it the first time. She said the ultrasound wasn’t very clear, which is very unusual. She also said the baby could have been way up high and I may have had twins and one of them died. Another possibility (because I have a very high HCG) was that I may have a tubal pregnancy in addition to the one we saw today. She ordered more blood work. Next week I go in to radiology to have a special ultrasound to see what we can find out and make sure I don’t also have a baby growing in one of my tubes and check on everything else.

I’m absolutely terrified right now. I’m not sure if I can mourn this pregnancy again if something happens. It’s still considered a threatened miscarriage. I’m so scared. It’s hard to feel happy when I just spent the last week in mourning. It’s hard to hope that everything will be okay. Again, I place my trust in the Lord. Maybe this is a miracle that I am seeing. Maybe this is a way for Moya to get home to me so when the miscarriage does happen I won’t be alone. Maybe it’s a perfectly healthy baby that somehow got missed last time. No matter what happens, we ask for prayers. This is a very difficult time for us, especially since Moya is in Nicaragua at the moment. We were going to wait to tell everyone I was pregnant, but considering the circumstances we decided that we need support and prayers right now more than anything else.

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Edit: You can find an update on my pregnancy here.

Sospeché que estaba embarazada solo días despues de haber sido concebido aunque no estabamos planeando tener otro bebé por ahora, tenía todos los síntomas de la primera fase de embarazo. Hice una prueba de embarazo 10 días después de que me faltara mi periodo y salió positivo. Ansiosamente compartí la noticia con mi esposo.

Dijimos a mis padres unas semanas despues y empezamos a hacer planes y cambios en nuestras vidas. Moya necesitaba un mejor  trabajo con beneficios y seguros. Él necesitaba ir a Nicaragua a ver su familia antes de empezar su empleo. Pensamos en la cosas que ocupabamos que no guardamos de Aliana. Estabamos planeando un futuro con otro bello hijo. Aliana sería una hermanita maravillosa. Dos meses después de que naciera el bebe, ella cumpliría tres años. La fecha del parto era el 10 de abril de 2014. A Aliana le hubiera encantado cargar al bebe tan pronto como naciera. Seria perfecto. Seria dificil pero maravillos que valdría la pena.

Las primeras semanas fueron faciles. Me sentía mareada cuando estaba en lugares muy calientes. Vomitaba una vez al día o a veces no. Estaba feliz. Estaba emocionada. Mi esposo se portaba maravilloso. Me daba masajes. Me ayudaba con todo lo que necesitaba. Escuchaba  mis preocupaciones y mis ideas. Él fue super maravilloso. Se aseguro de la mejor manera que yo estuviera cómoda y que me sintiera bien. Estabamos viviendo en un sueño. Fue increíble.

Las ultimas semanas fueron mas dificiles. Empecé a vomitar todo lo que comía. Era imposible comer algo sin vomitar. Estaba mareada todo el tiempo y muy cansada. Sentía mucha presión en mi útero. Me sentía miserable (pero ni por cerca tan enferma como estuve con mi primera hija) pero estaba esperando que todos estos síntomas bajaran cuando llegara el segundo trimestre de mi embarazo. Todo parecía perfectamente normal. De todos modos estaba embarazada.

Cuando fui a ver a mi doctora el 4 de septiembre tenia 9 semanas de embarazo. Pense y comente a mi mama en camino a la oficina de mi doctora, “Solo un mes para que le digamos a todo el mundo que estoy embarazada.” Vi a mi doctora y todo pareció normal, hasta que ella hizo el ultrasonido. Yo me di cuenta que algo estaba mal cuando preguntó si habia estado con dolor. Nos dimos cuenta que el bebe nunca creció después de la primera semana. Sentí como mi cuerpo me traiciono porque en la mayoria de embarazos cuando alguien pierde el bebe tan temprano, el bebe es explusado del cuerpo cerca del tiempo normal del periodo menstrual y casi nunca se sabe que ha estado embarazada. Deseaba que ese fuera mi caso. Amar y planear a un bebe por dos meses solo para darse cuenta, que mi bebe no estaba ahi, me hizo sentir devastada. Desde el momento que me di cuenta que estaba embarazada, el bebe ya no estaba vivo. (Claro que yo no sabía eso.) No hubo síntomas de aborto natural. Ni calambres. Ni sangre. Ni dolor. Fue conmovedor para mi.

Mi doctora me mando a que tomaran muestras de sangre para ver si mis niveles de la Hormona Gonadotrofina Coriónica Humana estaban bajando, con instruciones para que regresara el viernes para hacer unas pruebas mas. Ella dijo que me avisaría el lunes. El caso mas seguro es que yo había tenido un aborto natural pero que todavia tenía el cuerpito del bebe dentro de mi útero. Ella dijo que tambien hubo una pequeña posibilidad que había contado mal los días y que el niño solo tuviera una semana. Se que calculé bien. Tenía anotación de cuando venia mi periodo y cuando tome la prueba de embarazo. Sabía que mi esposo y yo tuvimos relaciones antes del ultrasonido hace una semana y media, y aunque no fue muy probable, me dio un poquitititito de esperanza que tal vez ese dia fue cuando el bebe fue concebido.

Esperamos desde el miércoles hasta el lunes para darnos cuenta. Lloré un montón. Mi esposo, ya tenia su boleto para ir a Nicaragua, con lagrimas en sus ojos, dio un beso de despedida al bebe, posiblemente por última vez y se fue a ver su familia. Se que necesitaba ver a su familia antes de empezar su nuevo trabajo, pero eso no significia que no me dolió verlo partir. La realidad de tener un aborto natural solita me lleno de temor.

Nunca me había dado cuenta de que cuando uno tiene un aborto natural siempre se siente embarazada aunque el bebe precioso no este vivo. Nunca hubiera imaginado la tristeza—sentí como que había perdido un parte de mi misma.

Escribí esto un poco déspues de darme cuenta de que iba a perder el bebé:

  “Atraves de todo, confieso que aunque me duele siempre escojo confiar en Dios. Yo sé que Él tiene un mejor plan para mi del que puedo imaginar. Pienso en los momentos mas bajos, mas dolorosos de mi vida y veo como Dios ha usado aquellos eventos para hacerme un individuo mas fuerte, mas cariñosa, mas compasiva. Él usó mi dolor para ayudar mas gente y no tengo ninguna duda que Él hara lo mismo en esta situación. Dios me está ayudando a crecer, aprender, y sentir mas cosas. Él me esta enseñando a confiar en Él en todo, incluyendo las cosas dolorosas. Él siempre está aquí amandome. No lo dudo. Sé que está aquí conmigo en este lugar tan oscuro. Sé que me ama. Sé que ama al bebé. Yo sé que Dios tiene un plan y tengo fe en Él y fe en Su plan aunque no lo entiendo o nunca lo entenderé. Sigo poniendo mi vida en Sus manos y confiando en Él.”

El lunes pasó sin escuchar noticias de mi doctora. Espere ansiosamente mi cita del miercoles. Una parte de mi estaba convencida que ya había perdido al bebe. Estaba estresada esperando que pasara. Decidimos en un nombre. Iba a pedir una collar en memoria del bebe, pero decidí esperar hasta que fuera “oficial”. Esperamos confiando en Dios y su tiempo y oramos que Dios sanara nuestros corazones quebrantados.

Hoy, 11 de septiembre, fui a ver la doctora. Ella estaba atrasada entonces me sente en un cuartito y espere y espere. Llego despues de esperar una hora y me dijo que quería hacer un ultrasonido más, para estar segura porque le gusta revisar dos veces. Ella dijo que las cosas pueden cambiar y que a veces se cometen errores. Estabamos sorprendidas de lo que vimos. Vimos un bebé. Vimos el corazoncito latiendo. Yo lo vi latiendo. La emoción que sentí era de amor, esperanza, y terror al mismo tiempo. Tengo un bebé otra vez. El bebe tiene 7 semanas y 3 o 4 dias. Es más o menos dos semanas y media menos de lo que habiamos pensado. No es lo mismo que las fechas que tengo yo, entonces hay que ver lo que pasara. Ella dijo que tengo un útero inclinado (es raro) y eso puede afectar lo que vimos la primera vez. Dijo que el ultrasonido no era bien claro, y eso es inusual. Ella dijo que quiza que el bebe estaba muy arriba porque posiblemente eran gemelos y uno murio y el otro sobrevivió. Otra posibilidad grande es que en mi prueba de Hormona Gonadotrofina Coriónica Humana muestre que tengo otro bebe en mis trompas de Falopio, o sea un embarazo ectopico. Ella pidio mas examenes y la semana que viene voy a radiologia para tener un ultrasonido especial para ver si tengo problemas en mis trompas de Falopio y para ver si todo está bien.

Estoy totalmente aterrorizada ahora. No estoy segura si puedo lamentar este embarazo otra vez si algo mal pasa. Todavia se está considerado un amenaza de aborto natural. Estoy con miedo. Es difícil sentirme feliz cuando pasé la semana pasada llorando y lamentandome. Es difícil esperar que todo va estar bien. Pero otra vez confio en El Señor. Tal vez este sea un milagro que estoy viviendo. Tal vez sea una manera de esperar que Moya pueda estar aqui conmigo cuando pierda el bebe para que no tenga que estar sola. Tal vez sea un bebe saludable que por alguna razon no lo vieron la vez pasada. No importa lo que pase, estamos pidiendo oraciones. Esto es un tiempo difícil para nosotros, mas porque Moya está en Nicaragua. Ibamos a esperar para decir todo el mundo que estoy embarazada, pero considerando las circunstancias decidimos que ocupamos apoyo y oraciones ahora más que nunca.

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25 thoughts on “My Crazy Pregnancy/Missed Miscarriage/Survival Story

  1. Oh wow, Torrey. What a journey. I am so sorry you’re going through this incredibly roller coastery time right now. I pray for your strength and courage and your ability to rejoice in the midst of mourning, and your ability to love with abandon despite what happens from here on out. Whether this turns out tragically or victoriously, it’s already a beautiful story, and God is certainly with you through it all. And now, thanks to your courage, so are those of us who read it and want to support and encourage you. Of course, what I HOPE for, for you, is a miraculous story that ends with a healthy pregnancy, resulting eventually in a healthy birth. But I will pray that God uses you and teaches you through whatever happens. You are so brave and strong! Thanks for sharing.

  2. Torrey– God strengthens us through trial and tribulations [Romans 5 & James 1] I pray that he would give you strength and use this story for his honor and glory! I pray the Lord would wrap you in his arms and provide you comfort. we will pray for a miracle– our God is a God of miracles!

  3. Amiga yo me sentí tan feliz de leer este blog. Yo he estado orando tanto desde el momento que usted me dijo lo del embarazo y estoy feliz pero al mismo tiempo asombrada del gran poder de Dios. No importa lo que pase de ahora en adelante, esto es una confirmación que Dios esta con usted y ese bebesit@. La quiero mucho y usted sabe que estoy aquí siempre. Mi familia y yo vamos a seguir orando.

  4. Keep me posted, I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this, I pray that this baby stays healthy and safe and that no other problems arise

  5. I have been going through a very similar experience. I went for my ten week ultrasound last Friday (9/20) only to be told that they believe I miscarried. There is a sac with no baby. This baby would have been due April 14th, only a couple of days after yours. I have my second appointment next Friday. Perhaps I will be as lucky as you.

  6. Pingback: Amazing Photos of Nathan, Miscarried at 14 Weeks, Show Unborn Baby’s Humanity | The Bold Truth

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