Breysi (rhymes with Gracie) Jayde is here and she is four weeks old today. It never ceases to amaze me how fast the time goes by. It seems like only yesterday I was in the doctor’s office getting my first ultrasound… The ultrasound that showed that my baby was dead… No heartbeat… No baby… Just a fluid sac… Baby didn’t grow past one week… Gone… I felt like time stopped when she told me this. I had loved and cherished my surprise little blessing for the past several weeks. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, before even the pregnancy test showed a positive result. I just knew. I could feel it and I started praying for my little blessing. My world came crashing down that day, however common miscarriage may be, it still hurts. It still broke my heart. It still made me cry. I was confused. I mourned my baby every day while I did the final tests to confirm that she was no longer with me. I convinced my body that the miscarriage was happening. I felt contractions that did not exist. I prayed that God’s will would be done in our lives and that we could use whatever was happening for His glory. I wanted to tell my miscarriage story since it’s not often talked about. But most of all, I wanted it to be over. I wanted life to go back to normal. I wanted to stop throwing up. I wanted the reminders of my pregnancy gone. I wanted to stop hurting.
I still remember going back in to see my doctor. I wasn’t asked to undress. I still remember the nurse saying, “You don’t need to sit up there. You should sit in the regular chair.” To me, that said everything. Baby was gone… It’s official… Now I just have to wait for my doctor to confirm it… I wanted to miscarry naturally, but I also knew with my husband out of the country, my grandmother on her death bed, and me, just barely functioning, while the wait was driving me insane, that if she recommended taking the pill to get things moving I would have said yes. When the doctor came in she said, “Why don’t you go ahead and get undressed. I would really like to check one more time just to make sure. Things change. Miracles happen. I fully expect to see the exact same thing that we saw last time. I don’t expect anything to be different, but your body is still producing HCG and that can be explained by the placenta continuing to grow, but I’d like to check anyway. Someone else’s patient came to me once for a second opinion. She had been told she was going to miscarry, but since it didn’t happen she wanted me to check. I checked. There was a baby. So I’d like to check again just to be sure. Please don’t get your hopes up. It’s never happened to one of my patients.” I agreed. I remember looking at the ultrasound screen. Everything looked different. Instead of just a sac of fluid it actually looked like a baby. There was a flicker on the screen. I remember reminiscing about Aliana’s first ultrasound. It reminded me of her heartbeat. She looked and looked. She didn’t say anything for a long time, but finally she looked at me and said, “Does that look like a heartbeat to you? I just don’t know. It’s not usually this hard to tell. It looks like a heartbeat, but it’s not as clear as it should be. It’s not clear.” I remember having hope and being afraid to hope at the same time. I remember she told me I would need to have an appointment with radiology to confirm. I remember waiting another two weeks without knowing what was going on. I remember praying. I remember trusting that one way or another everything would be okay. I remember believing that God would carry me through it.
I remember the ultrasound with radiology. I remember the ultrasound tech not being very optimistic. I remember thinking it must be sad to see someone’s dead baby. She wasn’t expecting a heartbeat. She said they rarely see those. It was basically an ultrasound to confirm that my baby was dead. Except she wasn’t. She had a heartbeat. She was alive.
I am so thankful for God’s protection over us. Breysi Jayde is my miracle. She was dead and now she’s alive. Was it a mistake? Maybe. We will never know. But my doctor checked again. She was the right person placed in our path to take care of us. Even the nurse’s were surprised that she wanted to check again. But I’m grateful. I always will be.
I had a rough pregnancy in different ways than with Aliana (my almost three year old). Emotionally it was so hard. I just had to be thankful each day that I carried Breysi, that I got to be her mom for just one more day. I didn’t know if she would be taken from me again and that scared me. I had a high risk pregnancy that went better than expected. I had to be induced, which was terrifying. My first induction was a nightmare. Thankfully, my second went much better. Less complications. Less time. Less pain. Breysi Jayde made her appearance on April 21, 2014 at 11:51pm and she was perfect. I won’t forget holding her for the first time. My miracle was finally here.
Today she is four weeks old and I can’t help but reflect on all that has happened. I can see how much not only Breysi has grown these four weeks (and before that in my womb), but how much we have all grown. In some ways I feel like we’ve been through a crucible melting away our impurities and forcing us to grow stronger in order to become the people that God wants us to be. These last four weeks have been very challenging for us in very different ways than with our first child. But Breysi is here with us, and for that we are grateful. I try to hold on to that thought every time I am so exhausted and overwhelmed that I burst into tears. I have my baby girl. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. We are so thankful for the children that our Heavenly Father has given to us. We are truly blessed. We give the Lord God all of the honor and glory for everything He has done in our lives, in our hearts, and in the lives of our children.
I cannot wait to see what the next four weeks have in store and the next four after that.. and so on.. I pray that we continue to grow stronger as a family as we adjust to being a family of four. Thanks for reading and for keeping us in your prayers. Everyone who has taken the time to pray for me, for Breysi, for our family is part of our story as well. Thank you.
If you didn’t read our story here are the links to our posts about it as it was happening: