Breysi Jayde is Here!

Breysi (rhymes with Gracie) Jayde is here and she is four weeks old today. It never ceases to amaze me how fast the time goes by. It seems like only yesterday I was in the doctor’s office getting my first ultrasound… The ultrasound that showed that my baby was dead… No heartbeat… No baby… Just a fluid sac… Baby didn’t grow past one week… Gone… I felt like time stopped when she told me this. I had loved and cherished my surprise little blessing for the past several weeks. I had known almost immediately I was pregnant, before even the pregnancy test showed a positive result. I just knew. I could feel it and I started praying for my little blessing. My world came crashing down that day, however common miscarriage may be, it still hurts. It still  broke my heart. It still made me cry. I was confused. I mourned my baby every day while I did the final tests to confirm that she was no longer with me. I convinced my body that the miscarriage was happening. I felt contractions that did not exist. I prayed that God’s will would be done in our lives and that we could use whatever was happening for His glory. I wanted to tell my miscarriage story since it’s not often talked about. But most of all, I wanted it to be over. I wanted life to go back to normal. I wanted to stop throwing up. I wanted the reminders of my pregnancy gone. I wanted to stop hurting.

I still remember going back in to see my doctor. I wasn’t asked to undress. I still remember the nurse saying, “You don’t need to sit up there. You should sit in the regular chair.” To me, that said everything. Baby was gone… It’s official… Now I just have to wait for my doctor to confirm it… I wanted to miscarry naturally, but I also knew with my husband out of the country, my grandmother on her death bed, and me, just barely functioning, while the wait was driving me insane, that if she recommended taking the pill to get things moving I would have said yes. When the doctor came in she said, “Why don’t you go ahead and get undressed. I would really like to check one more time just to make sure. Things change. Miracles happen. I fully expect to see the exact same thing that we saw last time. I don’t expect anything to be different, but your body is still producing HCG and that can be explained by the placenta continuing to grow, but I’d like to check anyway. Someone else’s patient came to me once for a second opinion. She had been told she was going to miscarry, but since it didn’t happen she wanted me to check. I checked. There was a baby. So I’d like to check again just to be sure. Please don’t get your hopes up. It’s never happened to one of my patients.” I agreed. I remember looking at the ultrasound screen. Everything looked different. Instead of just a sac of fluid it actually looked like a baby. There was a flicker on the screen. I remember reminiscing about Aliana’s first ultrasound. It reminded me of her heartbeat. She looked and looked. She didn’t say anything for a long time, but finally she looked at me and said, “Does that look like a heartbeat to you? I just don’t know. It’s not usually this hard to tell. It looks like a heartbeat, but it’s not as clear as it should be. It’s not clear.” I remember having hope and being afraid to hope at the same time. I remember she told me I would need to have an appointment with radiology to confirm. I remember waiting another two weeks without knowing what was going on. I remember praying. I remember trusting that one way or another everything would be okay. I remember believing that God would carry me through it.

I remember the ultrasound with radiology. I remember the ultrasound tech not being very optimistic. I remember thinking it must be sad to see someone’s dead baby. She wasn’t expecting a heartbeat. She said they rarely see those. It was basically an ultrasound to confirm that my baby was dead. Except she wasn’t. She had a heartbeat. She was alive.

I am so thankful for God’s protection over us. Breysi Jayde is my miracle. She was dead and now she’s alive.  Was it a mistake? Maybe. We will never know. But my doctor checked again. She was the right person placed in our path to take care of us. Even the nurse’s were surprised that she wanted to check again. But I’m grateful. I always will be.

I had a rough pregnancy in different ways than with Aliana (my almost three year old). Emotionally it was so hard. I just had to be thankful each day that I carried Breysi, that I got to be her mom for just one more day. I didn’t know if she would be taken from me again and that scared me. I had a high risk pregnancy that went better than expected. I had to be induced, which was terrifying. My first induction was a nightmare. Thankfully, my second went much better. Less complications. Less time. Less pain. Breysi Jayde made her appearance on April 21, 2014 at 11:51pm and she was perfect. I won’t forget holding her for the first time. My miracle was finally here.

Today she is four weeks old and I can’t help but reflect on all that has happened. I can see how much not only Breysi has grown these four weeks (and before that in my womb), but how much we have all grown. In some ways I feel like we’ve been through a crucible melting away our impurities and forcing us to grow stronger in order to become the people that God wants us to be. These last four weeks have been very challenging for us in very different ways than with our first child. But Breysi is here with us, and for that we are grateful. I try to hold on to that thought every time I am so exhausted and overwhelmed that I burst into tears. I have my baby girl. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. We are so thankful for the children that our Heavenly Father has given to us. We are truly blessed. We give the Lord God all of the honor and glory for everything He has done in our lives, in our hearts, and in the lives of our children.

I cannot wait to see what the next four weeks have in store and the next four after that.. and so on.. I pray that we continue to grow stronger as a family as we adjust to being a family of four. Thanks for reading and for keeping us in your prayers. Everyone who has taken the time to pray for me, for Breysi, for our family is part of our story as well. Thank you.

If you didn’t read our story here are the links to our posts about it as it was happening:

My Crazy Pregnancy/Missed Miscarriage/Survival Story

My Crazy Pregnancy Story Update

What’s in a Name?

My Crazy Pregnancy Story Update

If you haven’t read about my crazy pregnancy/miscarriage/survival story, you can find that here.

This last month has been crazy. Besides the whole Am-I-Pregnant-Or-Not-Thing, I lost Grandma Barbara. We were very close to her. She died on September 16th. My husband was able to come home from Nicaragua early to be with me during the funeral, and I was so grateful. My sweet neighbor, Faye, died on September 28th, the same day we were celebrating my mom’s birthday. Moya started his new job on Monday. I’m just trying to keep my eyes open and get through it all.

I think the hardest day yet was last Sunday. We went to Guthrie to see Darrol, Grandma’s husband. It was our first time going to “Grandma’s House” since she passed away, and the memories came flooding back immediately. My heart broke when Aliana, my two year old daughter, asked, “Where’s Grandma? Grandma sleeping? Where’s Grandma?” We had explained to her that Grandma died and was gone, but she’s two. She doesn’t understand yet. Later she found Grandma’s cane and got it out and asked again, “Where’s Grandma?” Ali has become accustomed to holding on to the cane and “helping” Grandma walk around. It felt like my heart broke into a million different pieces. I’m so blessed that my daughter got to know her great-grandmother and that I got to have those memories of them together and so many stories to tell Aliana later.

Back to my pregnancy story: I had blood tests, urine tests, and various other testing done to find out what was going on with my pregnancy. On September 18th I had an ultrasound in the radiology lab. It went really well. The ultrasound tech was ecstatic that she found the heart beat. She gave the impression that most of the time when she sees pregnant women it’s to confirm that the baby was dead or to see if the baby had been completely expelled from the body. You could see the joy in her eyes when she showed us the baby and the heartbeat. She also checked my ovaries for an ectopic pregnancy. My tubes were not visible, which meant that I didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy in my tubes either. There was only one sac and one baby. Everything looked good. She was thrilled and let my mother take a picture of the screen since she wasn’t allowed to print pictures. I sent the picture to Moya immediately (even though you can’t really see anything) and told him the good news. He was just arriving in Houston and on his way to Oklahoma City. I was so relieved to get good news.

Today I went to the doctor and found out that all my other tests came back good. She said that my due date is now April 27th, 2014 (my husband’s birthday). She found the heartbeat on the doppler rather easily. She said the risks had dropped significantly for first trimester miscarriage, though I still have about two and a half weeks to go. I have another ultrasound scheduled for October 15th. My doctor was very excited because everything is looking up and so drastically different than what we were expecting just one month ago.

As far as what caused all of this, we don’t really know. I probably ovulated late, which causes the dates to be a little off from my last period due date. It doesn’t explain the difference in the first two ultrasounds. It could have been vanishing twin syndrome, but they never saw two babies at once. Just the “dead” one that measured one week. At the ultrasound in radiology there was no evidence that there ever were two babies. The doctor couldn’t explain it. It could have been a mistake, though I did see both ultrasounds and everything looked drastically different. To us, it’s our miracle. Our baby that measured one week and was considered dead, measured 7.5 weeks just one week later. It’s our miracle. Period. I believe in a God that can take someone who has died and bring them back to life. I believe in divine healing. In fact, I’ve witnessed it multiple times in my life. I have faith in my God and I believe in the power of prayer. Even if you don’t believe in miracles and think it must have been a mistake, having a doctor that wanted to look twice and didn’t push a D&C or a pill on me to speed up the miscarriage is also part of our miracle. It would have been very easy to go with it if that’s what the doctor said was best to get over the emotional and physical pain as quickly as possible. Our healthy baby could have easily been gone. Today I am thankful for our God that has been watching over us. I’m thankful for everyone that read this and prayed for us. I’m thankful for my doctor who was wanted to check again. I’m thankful that God has given me the gift of carrying this baby and being a mother, even if this baby dies days, weeks, or months from now, I’m so thankful for the time I have been given. Time that I didn’t originally think that I would get. I’m praying that the baby makes it to term and lives a long and healthy life. I’m hoping for the best. But no matter what happens, I’m grateful and happy that I have gotten to love and carry this baby, my little miracle.

We ask for your continued prayers because this pregnancy is still considered high-risk for other reasons, but we are hopeful that everything will turn out okay. We are trusting in God and His perfect plan for our family.  We also ask for your prayers because emotionally this has been really difficult. We had to adjust to the loss of the baby and then back again, which I can’t adequately express how challenging that has been for us. Thanks again for your support and your prayers. We really do appreciate it.

My Crazy Pregnancy/Missed Miscarriage/Survival Story

[Puede leer en español después del inglés]

I suspected that I was pregnant just days after conception even though we were not planning on having another baby right now. I had all the early symptoms and I just felt pregnant. I got a positive pregnancy test 10 days after my missed period and eagerly shared the news with my husband.

We told my parents a few weeks later and started making plans and changes. Moya needed a better job with benefits. He needed to go home to see his family in Nicaragua before he started a new job. We thought about the things we needed that were not saved from when we had Aliana. We were planning, imagining a future with another beautiful child in it. Aliana would be a wonderful big sister. She would be just two months away from turning three when the the baby would be born. The baby was due on April 10th, 2014. Aliana would want to hold the baby as soon as possible. It would be perfect. It would be hard, but it would be wonderful and so worth it.

The first few weeks were relatively easy. I was dizzy when I was in hot places. I was throwing up once a day or less. I was happy. I was excited. My husband was amazing. He gave me massages. He helped me with whatever I needed. He listened to my concerns and my ideas. He went above and beyond to make sure that I was comfortable and felt okay. We were living in a dream. It was wonderful.

The last couple of weeks were harder. I started throwing up everything that I ate. It seemed impossible to keep anything down. I was dizzy all the time and extremely tired. I was uncomfortable and I felt a lot of pressure in my uterus. I was miserable (but nothing even close to as sick as I was with my first child) but hoping that the symptoms would let up as the second trimester approached. Everything seemed perfectly normal. I was pregnant after all.

When I went to see my doctor I was 9 weeks pregnant on September 4th. I commented on the way to the doctor’s office, “Just another month until we tell everyone I am pregnant.” I saw my doctor and everything appeared normal, until she did the ultrasound. I knew something was wrong as soon as she asked if I had been hurting. We found out that the baby never developed past the first week. I felt like my body had betrayed me as most pregnancies that are lost this early are expelled around the time of your period and you never even find out you are pregnant. I wished that was the case with me. Loving and planning for a baby for two months only to find out that it was hardly even there to begin with is devastating. From the moment that I confirmed I was pregnant, the baby was already gone. (Obviously I didn’t know that.) There were no miscarriage symptoms. No cramps. No blood. No pain. It was a shock.

My doctor sent me to get my blood drawn to find out if my HCG levels were decreasing with instructions to come back on Friday for more blood tests. She said she would let me know on Monday for sure. The most likely case is that I had miscarried and had yet to expel the baby from my body. She said it was also a small possibility that I had miscounted and the baby was only 1 week old. I knew I hadn’t miscalculated. I keep records of when my period comes and I also had records of when I got the positive pregnancy tests. I know that my husband and I had had sex about a week and a half before the ultrasound, and though it was extremely unlikely, it kept me hoping just the tiniest bit against all odds that maybe that was when the baby was conceived.

From Wednesday to Monday seemed to last eternity as we waited to find out. I cried a lot. My husband, already having a ticket to Nicaragua, with tears in his eyes kissed the baby goodbye, possibly for the last time, and went to see his family. I know he needed to go see his family before he started his new job, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to see him go. The realities of facing a miscarriage alone filled me with dread. 

I never realized that when you have a miscarriage that you still feel pregnancy symptoms even though the precious baby is no longer living. I could not have ever imagined the sorrow—it felt like I lost a piece of myself.

I wrote this shortly after I found out,

“Through it all, I admit that even though I am hurting I still choose to trust God. I know that He has a plan for me better than I could ever imagine. I think back in the lowest, most painful moments of my life and see how God has used those things to make me a stronger, more loving, compassionate individual. He used my pain to help others and I have no doubt that He will do the same with this situation. He is helping me grow, learn and experience more things. He is teaching me to trust Him in all things, including the painful ones. He is still here with me loving me. I don’t doubt Him. I know that He is here with me in this dark place. I know that He loves me. I know that He loves the baby. I know that God has a plan and I have faith in Him and His plan even though I do not see it, even if I never see it. I continue to place my life in His hands and trust.”

 

This is a picture of a maternity shirt that I ordered when I found out I was pregnant.

Monday came and went with no news. I waited anxiously for my appointment on Wednesday. Part of me was convinced I was having the miscarriage already. I was so stressed just waiting alone for the unthinkable to happen. We decided on a name. I was going to order a memorial necklace for myself, but decided to wait until it was “official”. We just waited trusting in God and His timing and praying that God would heal our broken hearts.

Today I went to the doctor. My doctor was running behind so I sat in the room alone and waited and waited. When she finally came in about an hour later she said she wanted to do one more ultrasound just to make sure because she likes to double check everything. She said things change and mistakes can be made. I agreed and got undressed. We were astounded by what we saw. This time, instead of just seeing the sac, we saw the baby. We saw a heartbeat. I saw it beating. The emotions that ran through me were of love, hope, and terror all at the same time. I have a baby again. The baby is measuring 7 weeks and 3 or 4 days which is about 2 and half weeks off what we originally thought. It doesn’t match up with any of my dates, so we shall see what happens. She said I have a very tilted uterus which could effect the way that we saw it the first time. She said the ultrasound wasn’t very clear, which is very unusual. She also said the baby could have been way up high and I may have had twins and one of them died. Another possibility (because I have a very high HCG) was that I may have a tubal pregnancy in addition to the one we saw today. She ordered more blood work. Next week I go in to radiology to have a special ultrasound to see what we can find out and make sure I don’t also have a baby growing in one of my tubes and check on everything else.

I’m absolutely terrified right now. I’m not sure if I can mourn this pregnancy again if something happens. It’s still considered a threatened miscarriage. I’m so scared. It’s hard to feel happy when I just spent the last week in mourning. It’s hard to hope that everything will be okay. Again, I place my trust in the Lord. Maybe this is a miracle that I am seeing. Maybe this is a way for Moya to get home to me so when the miscarriage does happen I won’t be alone. Maybe it’s a perfectly healthy baby that somehow got missed last time. No matter what happens, we ask for prayers. This is a very difficult time for us, especially since Moya is in Nicaragua at the moment. We were going to wait to tell everyone I was pregnant, but considering the circumstances we decided that we need support and prayers right now more than anything else.

Edit: You can find an update on my pregnancy here.

Sospeché que estaba embarazada solo días despues de haber sido concebido aunque no estabamos planeando tener otro bebé por ahora, tenía todos los síntomas de la primera fase de embarazo. Hice una prueba de embarazo 10 días después de que me faltara mi periodo y salió positivo. Ansiosamente compartí la noticia con mi esposo.

Dijimos a mis padres unas semanas despues y empezamos a hacer planes y cambios en nuestras vidas. Moya necesitaba un mejor  trabajo con beneficios y seguros. Él necesitaba ir a Nicaragua a ver su familia antes de empezar su empleo. Pensamos en la cosas que ocupabamos que no guardamos de Aliana. Estabamos planeando un futuro con otro bello hijo. Aliana sería una hermanita maravillosa. Dos meses después de que naciera el bebe, ella cumpliría tres años. La fecha del parto era el 10 de abril de 2014. A Aliana le hubiera encantado cargar al bebe tan pronto como naciera. Seria perfecto. Seria dificil pero maravillos que valdría la pena.

Las primeras semanas fueron faciles. Me sentía mareada cuando estaba en lugares muy calientes. Vomitaba una vez al día o a veces no. Estaba feliz. Estaba emocionada. Mi esposo se portaba maravilloso. Me daba masajes. Me ayudaba con todo lo que necesitaba. Escuchaba  mis preocupaciones y mis ideas. Él fue super maravilloso. Se aseguro de la mejor manera que yo estuviera cómoda y que me sintiera bien. Estabamos viviendo en un sueño. Fue increíble.

Las ultimas semanas fueron mas dificiles. Empecé a vomitar todo lo que comía. Era imposible comer algo sin vomitar. Estaba mareada todo el tiempo y muy cansada. Sentía mucha presión en mi útero. Me sentía miserable (pero ni por cerca tan enferma como estuve con mi primera hija) pero estaba esperando que todos estos síntomas bajaran cuando llegara el segundo trimestre de mi embarazo. Todo parecía perfectamente normal. De todos modos estaba embarazada.

Cuando fui a ver a mi doctora el 4 de septiembre tenia 9 semanas de embarazo. Pense y comente a mi mama en camino a la oficina de mi doctora, “Solo un mes para que le digamos a todo el mundo que estoy embarazada.” Vi a mi doctora y todo pareció normal, hasta que ella hizo el ultrasonido. Yo me di cuenta que algo estaba mal cuando preguntó si habia estado con dolor. Nos dimos cuenta que el bebe nunca creció después de la primera semana. Sentí como mi cuerpo me traiciono porque en la mayoria de embarazos cuando alguien pierde el bebe tan temprano, el bebe es explusado del cuerpo cerca del tiempo normal del periodo menstrual y casi nunca se sabe que ha estado embarazada. Deseaba que ese fuera mi caso. Amar y planear a un bebe por dos meses solo para darse cuenta, que mi bebe no estaba ahi, me hizo sentir devastada. Desde el momento que me di cuenta que estaba embarazada, el bebe ya no estaba vivo. (Claro que yo no sabía eso.) No hubo síntomas de aborto natural. Ni calambres. Ni sangre. Ni dolor. Fue conmovedor para mi.

Mi doctora me mando a que tomaran muestras de sangre para ver si mis niveles de la Hormona Gonadotrofina Coriónica Humana estaban bajando, con instruciones para que regresara el viernes para hacer unas pruebas mas. Ella dijo que me avisaría el lunes. El caso mas seguro es que yo había tenido un aborto natural pero que todavia tenía el cuerpito del bebe dentro de mi útero. Ella dijo que tambien hubo una pequeña posibilidad que había contado mal los días y que el niño solo tuviera una semana. Se que calculé bien. Tenía anotación de cuando venia mi periodo y cuando tome la prueba de embarazo. Sabía que mi esposo y yo tuvimos relaciones antes del ultrasonido hace una semana y media, y aunque no fue muy probable, me dio un poquitititito de esperanza que tal vez ese dia fue cuando el bebe fue concebido.

Esperamos desde el miércoles hasta el lunes para darnos cuenta. Lloré un montón. Mi esposo, ya tenia su boleto para ir a Nicaragua, con lagrimas en sus ojos, dio un beso de despedida al bebe, posiblemente por última vez y se fue a ver su familia. Se que necesitaba ver a su familia antes de empezar su nuevo trabajo, pero eso no significia que no me dolió verlo partir. La realidad de tener un aborto natural solita me lleno de temor.

Nunca me había dado cuenta de que cuando uno tiene un aborto natural siempre se siente embarazada aunque el bebe precioso no este vivo. Nunca hubiera imaginado la tristeza—sentí como que había perdido un parte de mi misma.

Escribí esto un poco déspues de darme cuenta de que iba a perder el bebé:

  “Atraves de todo, confieso que aunque me duele siempre escojo confiar en Dios. Yo sé que Él tiene un mejor plan para mi del que puedo imaginar. Pienso en los momentos mas bajos, mas dolorosos de mi vida y veo como Dios ha usado aquellos eventos para hacerme un individuo mas fuerte, mas cariñosa, mas compasiva. Él usó mi dolor para ayudar mas gente y no tengo ninguna duda que Él hara lo mismo en esta situación. Dios me está ayudando a crecer, aprender, y sentir mas cosas. Él me esta enseñando a confiar en Él en todo, incluyendo las cosas dolorosas. Él siempre está aquí amandome. No lo dudo. Sé que está aquí conmigo en este lugar tan oscuro. Sé que me ama. Sé que ama al bebé. Yo sé que Dios tiene un plan y tengo fe en Él y fe en Su plan aunque no lo entiendo o nunca lo entenderé. Sigo poniendo mi vida en Sus manos y confiando en Él.”

El lunes pasó sin escuchar noticias de mi doctora. Espere ansiosamente mi cita del miercoles. Una parte de mi estaba convencida que ya había perdido al bebe. Estaba estresada esperando que pasara. Decidimos en un nombre. Iba a pedir una collar en memoria del bebe, pero decidí esperar hasta que fuera “oficial”. Esperamos confiando en Dios y su tiempo y oramos que Dios sanara nuestros corazones quebrantados.

Hoy, 11 de septiembre, fui a ver la doctora. Ella estaba atrasada entonces me sente en un cuartito y espere y espere. Llego despues de esperar una hora y me dijo que quería hacer un ultrasonido más, para estar segura porque le gusta revisar dos veces. Ella dijo que las cosas pueden cambiar y que a veces se cometen errores. Estabamos sorprendidas de lo que vimos. Vimos un bebé. Vimos el corazoncito latiendo. Yo lo vi latiendo. La emoción que sentí era de amor, esperanza, y terror al mismo tiempo. Tengo un bebé otra vez. El bebe tiene 7 semanas y 3 o 4 dias. Es más o menos dos semanas y media menos de lo que habiamos pensado. No es lo mismo que las fechas que tengo yo, entonces hay que ver lo que pasara. Ella dijo que tengo un útero inclinado (es raro) y eso puede afectar lo que vimos la primera vez. Dijo que el ultrasonido no era bien claro, y eso es inusual. Ella dijo que quiza que el bebe estaba muy arriba porque posiblemente eran gemelos y uno murio y el otro sobrevivió. Otra posibilidad grande es que en mi prueba de Hormona Gonadotrofina Coriónica Humana muestre que tengo otro bebe en mis trompas de Falopio, o sea un embarazo ectopico. Ella pidio mas examenes y la semana que viene voy a radiologia para tener un ultrasonido especial para ver si tengo problemas en mis trompas de Falopio y para ver si todo está bien.

Estoy totalmente aterrorizada ahora. No estoy segura si puedo lamentar este embarazo otra vez si algo mal pasa. Todavia se está considerado un amenaza de aborto natural. Estoy con miedo. Es difícil sentirme feliz cuando pasé la semana pasada llorando y lamentandome. Es difícil esperar que todo va estar bien. Pero otra vez confio en El Señor. Tal vez este sea un milagro que estoy viviendo. Tal vez sea una manera de esperar que Moya pueda estar aqui conmigo cuando pierda el bebe para que no tenga que estar sola. Tal vez sea un bebe saludable que por alguna razon no lo vieron la vez pasada. No importa lo que pase, estamos pidiendo oraciones. Esto es un tiempo difícil para nosotros, mas porque Moya está en Nicaragua. Ibamos a esperar para decir todo el mundo que estoy embarazada, pero considerando las circunstancias decidimos que ocupamos apoyo y oraciones ahora más que nunca.